Convince me that I've been sick forever...

   It's 9:04 PM, and I sit here in my office leather chair facing away from the Philip's 17 inch LCD screen, and looking out through my window, with the aluminum blinds drawn up, and the main glass panel pushed up as well. It feels like summer, especially without any air condition, and the warm breeze that gently pushes it's way through the screen in my window and grazes against my face. A few beads of sweat, fall off the sides near my temples and I feel it, the feeling of summer has arrived. 
   With summer coming along just fine, and university classes done with, I should feel like there is no burden on my conscience anymore, and I can go out freely enjoying myself on those hot summer nights without a cloud in the sky, loitering with a bunch of friends. Yet, it seems I'm not. Summer should be bringing about those happy feelings and enthusiasm for everything and anything, yet I've lost any interest in everything and anything. Instead, I sit here and I think to keep myself entertained, thinking about how things would be like if they went my way, and thinking how things would be like if whatever I wanted never came to me. I smile at the thought of seeing someone else having fun and enjoying themself, yet I have no motivation to seek my own source of joy. 
   I found a job with my uncle to work and get my mind off things, and instead am so out of it, that I put a handsaw into my finger. What really is it? I can't explain it... it's almost like the cure for cancer, you know it's out there, but has anyone come close to attaining it is the real issue.
   Summer... the warm season for flip flops, sunburns and shorts. The season for couples to enjoy their time together. The season for newly found couples coming together for the first time. The season for massive amounts of outdoor activities. The season for sitting on the porch enjoying an ice cold glass of lemonade. The season for pain, and for sadness. You name it, it's probably been brought along with the arrival of the summer season.
   I'll be anticipating the arrival of winter, where I can safely stand behind four layers of clothes, and feel the coldness of the air, which fills the space inside me as well.
  

Most people don't even have any idea what a heartache is. Watching someone close to you turn into something you despised and swore to never become...that's heartache. Turning into the same thing...that's heartache. Watching someone get treated like shit, when I could be doing better...that's heartache. Hearing that the person who raised me while my parents were never around, having only three more months to live...now that's fucking heartache.

Summer the season for so many,
Winter, the season for only me.

   Security is such a hard commodity to come by in today's world sometimes, especially in the fast pace of how age creates an illusion of which a person must follow. When you were a kid, you were allowed to run to your mother everytime you had an injury, and the whole motherly aura would be there to welcome you, however as a person ages, it becomes highly unlikely that at the age of 18, one would still run to their mothers for such a small thing as a papercut. The sense of security of being a child is thus, non-existant, and soon, a smaller person may use you as a resort of security, whereas a whole new view on this term appears.
   Common everyday materials provide security too, as in the case with houses, and living quarters. The weather can be the most horrifying thing when there isn't a roof to live under, and with that in mind, people seek security in the form of shelter from nature's wrath. Housing also provides security against such devious people as burglars, however in my case, in this neighborhood...seems to be nothing more than an electronics/appliance buffet, where whoever runs in grabs what they can get and leaves. It's quite sad really. I miss my poor electronics.
   However the most prominant example of security, must be the one found in relationships. For the boyfriend, he must live up to the so-called "manly" image, and be there for the girl in times of need. The physical security that is there, keeping the girl safe, and knowing that nothing bad will happen to her. The girlfriend figure is also a form of security for a guy, not necessarily where the girl needs to be a bodyguard for the guy, but one that a guy can easily open up to, and pour out his feelings to, giving out the occasional tear here and there, since girlfriends can understand. But as in the case with most relationships, not many work out. This is where the misconceptions come in, which I have seen far too much of. I used to have a friend in sophomore year of high school, who at the time seemed to be dating a wonderful guy. However as a year passed, it was made known to me that, this guy isn't exactly God's gift to the world, yet she is staying with him simply based on the sole concept of security, even though other guys may show her an excessively good time, only one person shows her this form of security. It may also be the girl's fault for not willingly opening up to other fellows, but that isn't a case that I'd like to step my foot in without unlimited certainty. This girl at the time, was someone I had liked for a while, and it took around three years, before she came to her senses, and I finally ended my wait, but with the looks of me now, it seems like I'll have another three years to wait. I only wish I was given a chance to prove myself to people sometimes, so I'll be able to delete any bad thoughts that they've heard about prior to meeting me, or to show them how much someone else really cherishes them, even though the significant other does not. It's all I'm really asking for sometimes. A chance at things, a chance to try, a chance to succeed... just one chance.
   At work today, I had another lovely mishap, where instead of sawing off a logo which was to be made for a hair salon, I ended up sawing my index finger. I stared at it for a minute, becuase the stimulus of the pain hasn't really reached my system yet, and then when I came to the realization of what had happened, I thought the following...: ")$#)_@#$_)@#$_@#$*@)#($()@#$". Where soon after, I ran to stop the bleeding. Now a 1/4 inch deep cut into a right index finger may sound painful, but it really has no comparison to what I've been feeling emotionally for a while now. The pain inside my chest is indescribable, sometimes it gets so bad, that there seems to be an almost physical manifestation of the pain where I feel a tingling sensation throughout my shoulders and my arms. If only I could describe the true feelings beneat this facade, I would paint it in shades of black and grey.

The sun is shining,
Yet my heart is as black as night.

So it's 1:47 AM, and I've been up for around 49 hours now, even though it hasn't really broken my previous record of 73 hours, yet I feel so tired, tired physically and tired mentally, tired of everything, of this world and the things it has to offer, and other worldly objects which I possibly cannot even begin to grasp with my limited perception of things.

   It's been a while since I've actually lost sleep over anything, actually the only other time I really lost sleep over things was either dealing with projects that were due the next day during my time at Townsend Harris, or worrying my ass off about SAT's which I failed with such grace that I went back for seconds and did even worse. There must be some kind of extra credit given for making an attempt to seem smart somewhere... although I have yet to find it, but...I'm sure it's there...somewhere... and as I'm writing this the clock continues to tick away, at reaching the fifty hour limit, although since I have a LCD clock, I don't suppose it really ticks, does it? Well, whatever the case, it's getting there, and it's getting there with due precision.
   I'm not quite sure where this "thinker" attitude came into my life, considering I went through four years of high school and thought about nothing more than what was for lunch during sixth period, but it has came, and it's leaving quite an impression on me, mostly on my eyes since not only are there rings under them now, but it's nearly completely black as if some random asshole decided to punch me to see if it'd do anything. I've been up for so long that blinking hurts, and my eyes feel like sandpaper.
   The bigger question is why I am awake, I mean most people sleep around now because there's nothing on TV, or because they're tired of gaming, or just simply need rest to get on with the day tomorrow, and what is my reason? I don't quite know, just the fact that I'm overthinking everything, and predicting and whatever else that has to do with thinking. The day before, I was simply waiting for something, and it never came so I figured oh hell with it, if it's supposed to get to me it will, and it got to me around halfday the next afternoon, which is quite alright... but did I go to sleep then? No, I did not. Because by then my mood had turned from complete mental ecstacy to complete mental anguish. This bombardment of details and information just rushed into my head, and I nearly flipped out, I didn't really know what was holding me back, perhaps the fact that if I end up breaking everything in my room, I wouldn't have anything to play with. How saddening...
   Since I can never seem to show my emotions correctly, what do I do to cope with all this pile of bullshit? I make an attempt to work out. For the whole fifty hours I've been awake now, all I've been doing are pushups and situps and some other stuff here and there between intervals of every hour, I've even been awake so long that the pain from excersizing so much comes and goes, and I feel it. And why do I do it? Is it because that if I look a little bit more muscular that girls will give me some attention? No, that's not it. Although I don't really care for other girl's attentions right now, since I'm quite content with one. I just figured that if I work out and create an abundance of physical pain, it might take my attention away for a little, from what's really hurting... on the inside. It's like one of those situations where you're thinking about something while cooking, and you touch the pot by accident, and the stimulus hits your brain to move your hand, thus completely forgetting what was in your head. It's the stupid man's approach, but shame to say it's not really working either. For the last 2 days, instead of climbing into bed and sleeping, I climb into bed, open all 3 windows I have in this room, and just stare at it all night. I never even had the patience to wait for someone more than fifteen minutes late, but now it seems I'm able to sit there for six hours staring out at the complete night sky, and wait on people for 2 hours or more.
   Speaking of patience, as my tolerance level for other people grows higher, my patience for myself grows thinner. I never really used to get angry at anything, but apparently my temper's been going out of control lately. There's two new freshly created holes in my wall now, by nothing other than my left fist. I used to be able to keep my temper in check, and never really let it out, but now it's almost as if I can't hold any of it in anymore, it's just dying to leak out of my system, and leave. I'm not even holding back at this point, becuase I think I'm going to end up doing something drastic, if I don't let some kind of frustration out here and there, and that's basically what this xanga entry is about, considering I can't really talk to anyone about anything, even if I tried, because the words just don't come, so I'll write it out instead. 
  Chances are things that don't come by often in this world, and when they do, are often overlooked and seen as nothing more than another mere thing passing by in the wind. I've never really gotten any chances, I've never really asked for them either, since it's pointless to ask for something that never comes true. Kind of like Santa Claus, as much as I'd like to believe that milk and cookies brings me a new Power Wheels, it's never happened and I'm not about to start trying again. But sometimes I really wish I was given a chance at things, especially what's been bothering me lately. Sometimes perceptions of me are so tangent to reality, that I can't even begin to change what it's become, but if there was a chance, I'd gladly prove myself. I'm nearly on my knees, just hoping for a chance to come, but with my luck, it'll never come, and if anything will probably work against me more than ever. Coming to the realization of stuff like that, can nearly drive me to tears, even though I was told by someone that she didn't like "pussy guys" so regardless, I have to keep this tough guy image up even if it's eating away from the inside. 
   Things I've used to do seem to do nothing for me now, it's neither fun, nor interesting. I've been tempted to sit there on the couch and just vegetate like the useless human being I am. I mean I used to love playing games, and talking to people online, or watching movies and anime, now.. I sign onto games only to leave after five minutes, I come online to speak to people, and realize I'm at a loss for words, I look at anime, and ask myself what kind of japanese jibberish they're uttering... I can't concentrate on anything, is this the side effects of feeling for someone else? I have no idea... it's really driving me nuts, more than nuts, completely insane. Clueless really...

Although in one of my animes, aka Bleach, I've came across the intro song, that hits the mark right on the giant X. It goes something like :

You've been hurt by a pain that cannot be described, Let's share the burden of an unerasable past together.

Who would have known such intimate things came from lines and colors. 

Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine~~~